Month: January 2022

vs ICC (6th grade)

By Declan

6th Grade win last over thriller with 1 wicket to spare-John Wright hitting a 6 to win the game.

ICC posted 8/126 with wickets shared around- Salty with a wicket off his first ball and Evo with a very sharp caught & bowled.

We finish on 9/130- Will top score with 56,John with 35 Not Out and Gazi with 20

Selected comments:
Gazi: 4 in a row boys. Great done. Will, thank you. It was master blaster ! John Wright you are a legend. Well Captained by Chris Day
Will: This game stands without peer as the most tenacious, unlikely victory I’ve ever seen for this club.
Jim W: What’s going on with your auto-correct? John Wright doesn’t hit 6s.
Snacks: Well done guys excellent work!!!!

vs Captain Cook (4th Grade)

Match Report by Kal Yanic


Eaditorial Note: In the preavious match reaport, one of our teammates’ names was speallead incorreactly. A non-eaxisteant “a” was mistakeanly insearted into their surname. As the author of this pieace, I would like to sincearealy apologise for this grieavous error. In reacompeanse, I will heanceforth be adding an eaxtraneaous “a” wheare I deaeam it suitable.

It was a bad day to be a cold one, or a crickeat ball for that mattear, as Kingsford arrivead at Jeallicoe Park. Almost immeadiatealy, complaints about the heat beagan bleaating from the weakear meambears of the group (Richie Beanaud would not have bean impreassead). Unaffeactead by the heat was Bryan, who’s iceman eaxtearior reajeactead the heat with cold indiffeareance. However, my psychic abilitieas deateactead that he, usurpead of the pleasure of giving yours truly a lift, was feaealing rathear creastfallean and forlorn – he had to carry his own picnic chairs.

[Ok this gag is getting pretty tired so I’m going to stop now]

FOLEY, taking the reins as captain (probably since President Damage’s neck has been getting sore from all the hats he’s been wearing), lost the toss. This turned out to be a rather silly move, given that our team had been infected with the affliction of our previous opponents – we were short-staffed. But the show had to go on, and so nine Apaches took the field.

Having taken two wickets in a row to bowl our previous opponents out, SEYMOUR kicked things off on a hat-trick. However, despite him swearing the team to secrecy on this state of being, the batter was on his best behaviour, playing the silently preeminent delivery safely into the ground. Nevertheless, our openers put the pressure on early, with VAIDHYA’s blistering heat complementing the sharp consistency from the other end. The opponents were struggling to find the gaping cavities in the field, while the left-hander of the pair, whose number we were unlucky not to have, looked very uncomfortable. In stark contrast, his white-helmeted partner looked much more at ease, even going so far as to acknowledge the on-field banter spewing from cover. We were locked in a stalemate. Something had to change.

As though the fifth dawn had risen on Helm’s Deep, I looked to the sideline to see a dark knight, leather clad and surrounded by scarves of billowing smoke, ride to our rescue. “Where the hell have you been mate?!?” was the obvious question on everyone’s minds and through my lips. “Traffic”, the president nonchalantly replied. In any case, any begrudging resentment of President Damage’s tardiness was quickly overshadowed by the sheer relief of having an extra player — the scales were still tipped away from our favour, but things were bound to get a little easier for us. A few overs later, El Presidente was tossed the ball. It only took a few deliveries for him to knock the lefty over (1/19). Game on.

With El Presidente bowling good areas from the other end, Foley strode in with his usual banana-curved run-up. However, bowling conditions seemed to be unfavourable, and as such the ball didn’t feel like moving. El Pres also felt some bad luck, with a catch being put down off his bowling. MATHUR likewise chanced his respective arm, but was also not able to get the critical breakthrough. The opponents were starting to build a solid partnership, with very few chances coming from either batter. Coming into the halfway point of the innings, the score was 1/58. While the Captain Cooks were not scoring swiftly, they had built a solid platform, and thus threatened to launch a massive total.

Coming out of the break, the opponents set about realising our fears of a huge run chase. The batters profited off some loose bowling, which saw Mr. White Helmet bring up his fifty. With the game hanging in the balance, a change of tact was needed. Captain Foley’s response was to bring on some more spin — perhaps some well-placed cannonballs could sink the Cook ship! This new strategy almost worked immediately, with FROMM tempting out some big shots from batters who were previously committed to playing it safe. Although he was not able to take any wickets directly, the shift in the batter’s mindset that followed would ultimately lead to their downfall. El Pres would be the one to profit from the opponents’ newfound aggression, as Mr. White Helmet, who had otherwise played a chanceless innings, skied one in the direction of mid-on. Wanting something done right, he put himself under the aerial ball and secured a regulation catch off his own bowling (2/109). Not long afterwards, the new batter tried to smash El Pres over Cow Corner, only for the ball to drop into MUNDUL’s waiting hands — President Damage now had 3 (3/127).

Enter MASON, the third weapon in the Apaches spin arsenal. While he had opened up with some nice deliveries the over prior, Mason had made the mistake of taking his sunnies off. Now the sunnies were staying on, and he was delivering nothing short of pure filth. It only took a few balls for Mason to strike, coercing the batter to sky one up into the midwicket region. El Pres quickly got under it, bellowing to stake his claim on the catch, and to thus ward off any nearby hungry poachers who could potentially make up the distance (4/127). The very next ball, Mason had another, drawing the batter down the pitch, producing a regulation stumping for CARVEATH, who took the bails off faster than you can say, “Help! I’m stuck outside my crease!” (5/127). 

The opponents were only able to put a few more runs on the board before Mason was knocking on the door again, this time gobbling up a dollied catch off his own bowling (6/138). The tail had been exposed, and Seymour, called back into the attack, was rubbing his hands together. It didn’t take him long to get some digits in front of the forward-slash, with the batter feathering one (absolutely smashing it) to the keeper (7/141). A couple of balls later, Seymour had his second, with Fromm taking a handy catch (8/141). The game now entered into another critical moment, with only a few overs left in the innings. In this time the opponents put up a brief stand, until Mason struck again with an absolute mandarin of a delivery: drift, bounce and a touch of nip to clip the top of off (9/155). He would be unlucky not to have a fifth, with the innings promptly coming to a close, 159 the target. 

During the innings break, I did my best to motivate McCREDIE, who had learned the hard way that there are far worse places to field than point. After some success, both McCredie and Mundul took the field. The first few overs seemed promising: both of them were seeing it well, and the bowlers didn’t seem too threatening. Unfortunately, first appearances are often deceiving. Although he was leaving well on fourth stump, Mundul was lucky to be put down in the slips. McCredie was not so lucky, slicing one right down mid-on’s throat (1/15). Mason, arriving in next at the crease, looked to continue his heroics with the ball. Some quick twos between the batters looked to be the makings of a handy partnership. This was despite Mundul’s best efforts, who was again lucky not to be out after an absolute sitter of a top edge was put down at square leg. However, Mason was not so lucky, caught out driving by third slip with an absolute screamer of a catch, one-handed and diving to his left (2/25). The team now turned to Seymour to stabilise, who relayed a similar message to Mundul: stay in and build a partnership. This didn’t hamper his aggression, however, as he went on to hit a four and a six off his first few balls. Trying to show similar intent against some poor bowling, Mundul managed to recreate the exact same top edge as a few overs prior, and this time was sent packing. The Apaches were in the throes of a verifiable top-order collapse (3/36). 

While the state of the game would typically call for some defensive play, the fallen wickets did not deter either Seymour or Vaidhya, the incoming batter, from going after the bowlers. Aggressive shots from both batters (mostly slogging over Cow Corner), interspersed with some good running between the wickets, meant that Kingsford were able to put together a much-needed partnership. The ship had been steadied, and by drinks we were pretty much on par, with a score of 3/55.

The run rate kept ticking over after play resumed, with Vaidhya and Seymour delivering more of the same. However, in similar fashion to McCredie, a miscued shot of Vaidhya’s found himself caught out down the ground (4/70). With only half of the team left to bat, and less than half of the innings remaining, Kingsford desperately needed an even bigger partnership. Fortunately, that would be exactly what Carveath would deliver. Some lovely shots meant that not only did a fairly safe partnership begin to emerge, but it burgeoned quickly. Together, they brought up the team’s hundred, while the required run rate began to dwindle. This was particularly aided by some not-so-sharp bowling by the opposition’s middle order (a team which was quite happy to stick to two bowlers in the two-day format). 

The required run-rate dropped to 7. Then 6.5. Then it fell to just above a run a ball, as Seymour and Carveath hit boundary after boundary. In this time, Seymour brought up his fifty. However, due to an error in the scorebooks creating some confusion as to what his total score was, no adulation came from the sideline (much to Seymour’s dismay when he eventually found out!). By the time he definitely had more than fifty, the moment had passed. In any case, the Seymour-Carveath steam train kept rolling towards what looked like a game that was well in the bag.

But then , in the 33rd over, disaster struck! Advancing down the pitch against the left-handed pace, Carveath suddenly found himself missing the ball and in no-man’s land — an easy stumping for the opposition keeper (5/149). A great knock nevertheless, deserving of a half-century and unlucky to fall short. 

With 11 runs to get off the last 13 deliveries, all the pressure was on El Presidente, the incoming batter. He blocks, giving the strike back to Seymour for the second to last over.

11 off 12, Seymour hits one through for a quick single, throwing El Pres back into the crucible. Unfortunately for El Pres, he just can’t get it away, with four dots precipitating. Then off the last bowl of the over, El Pres manages to work the ball into space for a single. 

10 off 6, El Presidente on strike. A single to put the in-form Seymour on strike! The next ball, a four! Blasted back down the ground (probably). 5 off 4, and Seymour manages to find a single. 4 off 3, El Presidente gets bowled! Tragedy for the Apaches! However, far be it from over, Captain Foley, a man who has been known to swing a bat, steps up to the plate. Could this be the short and sweet captain’s knock to win the game?

4 off 2, dot ball! A boundary needed to win it, and all the pressure on Foley. 4 off 1, Foley connects! The ball floats through the air, it keeps floating, right to mid-on. Game over, Kingsford lose by 3 runs.  

A thrilling fixture that came down to the wire, with the game hanging in the balance all the way through. There were several shoulda woulda couldas that may have seen us win this game, (especially some headless chook behaviour from yours truly), but hey, that’s park cricket! We’ll get ‘em in the finals, just as long as we make it first.  

Selected comments:
Will: Your ability to weave a metanarrative into a cricket write up is incredible
Kal: Darn I fully forgot to include my joke about Hawaii

4ths & 6ths – Quick update

23rd january 2020

by Declan

Two Good wins today-4th Grade claim the Outright with 8 wickets in hand and 6th Grade succesfully defend 181 by about 30 runs. Both teams sitting in the Top 4 with 4 Rounds remaining-let’s keep it going guys

vs Beverly Hills (4th Grade)

18 & 23rd January 2020 @ Booralee

Kingsford Apaches 4th Grade vs Beverly Hills – Full Match Report

by Kal Yanic

‘Twas a dark and stormy afternoon; ominous thunderclouds of rain and uncertainty threatened overhead, as the Apaches trickled into Booralee Park. The radar’s multi-coloured splotches appeared to be moving our direction, perversely reaffirming the dark-grey unlikelihood of days’ play taking place. Happily, however, the rain pissed off East ways. Not even the “foul” weather of sweat-sticky humidity could dampen our spirits now. 

Taking over the captaincy duties, club president/cool guy1 YAP opened proceedings through the serendipitous butting-of-heads with the leader of the opposition. However, despite disgracefully losing the toss, we managed to end up taking the field with favourable bowling conditions — cloud cover lent itself to some sideways movement, while the luscious meadows of long grass prevented any boundaries along the deck. Whether this befuddling outcome came about through some trick of charisma, or some psychological mind-game, we will never know.

SEYMOUR and OTTAVIANO opened up with razor sharp spells. Their accuracy and consistency bewitched the opposition openers, who appeared as though they wanted to be anywhere else other than out in the middle (in fact, the constant complaining of one batter in particular, assured this). The oppressive pressure applied by the Apaches eventually generated the first chance of the game, when Seymour, in a stroke of tactical genius, moved a fielder right into what would be the path of an uppish shot the very next ball. However, he was unlucky to be denied a wicket by MUNDUL’s Nuttelex-fingers. Unfortunately for the batters, this did not dampen his spirits, as they continued to be barred with rather asinine and sometimes nonsensical chirp. At least O’SULLIVAN, who joined in on the bants, was amused. Kingsford continued to maintain the overall pressure, restricting the opposition to a glacial run an over. We were unlucky not to take a wicket, as a flurry of edges flew over, dropped short, or carried wide of the slips cordon.

This gamestate continued for about 15 more overs until WHEELER was handed the ball, cracking the opposition order with a handy catch off his own bowling (1/22). The floodgates had finally opened, with HAMPTON knocking the stumps out with a fine piece of bowling from the other end (2/25). Hampton continued our fine bowling form, and was swift to knock over the middle stump of the other opener (3/32). The collapse was on. Wheeler had his second soon after, trapping the batter’s leg right in front, with the official umpire obliging (4/34). Whatever streak Wheeler was riding was enough to overturn our misfortune in the slips, as his next over yielded an edge to the cordon, nicely taken by Captain Damage (5/35). Although the opposition were able to briefly stabilise for a few overs, hanging in and stringing together a small partnership, it was too late. Wicket fever had been transmitted to Yap, who deceived the batter into sending a loose shot right down CHINMAY’s throat (6/49). Not long afterwards, Seymour rattled the stumps, finally and deservingly getting his name into the scorebook with an absolute peach of a delivery. 

It was at this point that I realised that the opposition had only brought 8 players with them. Change of innings!

Chasing a meager 54 runs, Ottaviano and Mundul stepped out into the middle. The opposition, no doubt feeling slightly dejected from standing in a half-empty field defending a pittance, had not taken too kindly to Mundul’s constant yammering. This, unfortunately for Mundul, translated into some fairly mean-spirited and nasty chat of which he was the target. More unfortunately for Mundul was that he was bowled in the 3rd over to a rather mediocre delivery. Fortunately for KETKAR, next in, the opposition decided to lighten the mood with more “positive” chat. More fortunately for Kingsford, Ketkar and Ottaviano were able to put together a very tidy partnership, chasing down the bulk of the opposition lead between themselves. This featured some nice aerial strokeplay, as well as some handy running between the wickets. However, this was cut short after one of Ottaviano’s more loose shots flew right into the hands of a fielder. Ketkar stuck around for a little while longer displaying some similar bravado, before getting out in similar fashion. Thankfully, we suffered no further loss, as MILLIGAN and McCREADIE saw out the day’s remaining overs. Come Stumps, Kingsford were sitting pretty on a 30-odd run lead. A good day’s play, especially considering that the sun and breeze had f*cked off the earlier humidity. 


Despite the fact that the gamestate was sitting rather favourably for my side, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit put off by all the bad vibes which had been sent my way. In particular, one piece of chat stuck in my mind — as I was leaving the ground, I was snarkily advised to “have a nice week, *mate*”. I couldn’t quite shake the feeling that this feeling was going to affect me all week. In fact, the feeling of being affected started to overtake the feeling of being denigrated itself, especially in considering that the former feeling may last all week. I concluded that I had been cursed, that the Evil Eye had been placed upon me. On Monday, I began exploring ways to remove the Evil Eye — the most information I could find was that the Evil Eye more pertinently affects those who believe in the Evil Eye. This advice was obviously not helpful. On Tuesday, I had to face my cricketing demons at training, with a fiery young man bowling bodyline chillis at me in the pouring rain. I felt that my batting ability had somewhat degraded. On Wednesday, as I woke up and moved to open my curtains, I walked directly into a giant spider web. I do not recall giving this spider license to construct an apartment building in the middle of my room. As such, both spider and web had to be removed. Later that day, I fell from the top of a ladder at work. I was fortunately uninjured, but some bottles of orange juice below me were not so lucky. I believe that in this moment I freed myself from the Evil Eye, as, come Thursday, I was no longer afflicted and nothing remarkably terrible happened for the rest of the week. 


After a long and uneventful week severely lacking in cricketing action, Kingsford returned to Booralee Park. They were greeted with a beautiful sunny day, a freshly mowed field, and a tidy lead in the score. Unfortunately for the opposition, they had somehow managed to round up even less players than the week prior. Reassuring us that they had a couple of teammates still in transit, we lent them a fielder and continued the game.

Taking over from Milligan’s absence, Chinmay joined McCreadie in the middle. The energy from the opposition was as flat as a surfer’s nightmare, given the fact that they could hardly span the field with their understaffed cohort. Despite this, McCreadie found a way to hook one directly to the fielder and was caught out. With his leg trapped in front of the stumps, Chinmay was soon to follow. Thankfully, however, Seymour was able to steady the ship, building solid partnerships with CAREY and Hampton. Come the drinks break, Kingsford had extended the lead to 85 runs, making the decision to declare (6/139). 

Coming back into the field once again, the Apaches were keen to make short work of an already weakened batting lineup. Seymour started off again in similar economic fashion to the first innings, with Hampton charging in ferociously from the other end, hunger for wickets in his eye, or as they say, absolutely “fanging” for it. He got his man with his first ball, nicking behind, a regulation catch for McCreadie and his gloves (1/5). However, far from floodgates opening up, the opposition put up much more resistance. Their keeper, in particular, hit back hard, providing the “dingers” which were sorely missing from Beverly Hills’ first innings. Yap was unlucky not to have one early after a chance in the slips went to ground. However, the Apaches maintained the pressure, and Yap would eventually get his man, again tempting the batter into a loose shot, collected by Carey (2/32). 

Unfortunately, Hampton did something to his finger, and so had to be sated with his one scalp. Taking advantage of this dent in Kingsford’s bowling attack, Beverly Hills put up another period of resistance. The keeper continued sticking it out, with the Apaches regulars unable to get the breakthrough. With good bowling not working, it was time for a change. The ball was tossed to Mundul. Through deploying a strategy of some “short stuff”, while at first ineffective, he eventually baited out a big pull shot early doors from the newer batter, catching the top edge and collected by Carey, who worked hard to get under it (3/53). Mundul was unlucky not to have a second, after a fairly regulation catch was put down at cover. Shortly afterwards, SHARDUL, implementing the same strategy of “short stuff”, had his man. This was scarily similar to the previous dismissal — top-edged and collected by Carey, with the opposition keeper loudly calling for a run just as the ball was about to go to hand (4/70). Needless to say, the team wasn’t too happy with this behaviour.

However, with discontent and aggression brewing around the traps, and the opposition captain arriving to the middle, the Apaches would immediately have their revenge. Bowling captain to captain, Yap knocked him over with an absolute ripper delivery (5/71). “F*CK! I’m out for a duck!” exclaimed the opposition captain. Yes mate, yes you are. 

With only a couple more wickets to take, the Apaches had all the momentum. Seymour, returning for another large spell, held up one end with Yap at the other, delivering some dangerous consistency. As pressure piled on, and a field heavily restricting the keeper’s go-to shots, the keeper had no choice but to be bowled by Seymour. Not long after, Seymour was rattling the cage again, once again striking the final blow to the Beverly Hills batting lineup. Kingsford restricted them to 106 runs, a slim lead of 21.

With not much to chase, the long-hallowed opening partnership of Mundul and McCreadie went in to finish the job. However, the hype had to be suspended until next time — McCreadie unfortunately was dismissed lbw to a good delivery, barely hitting his pad. Mundul, unphased by what the opposition admitted to as “mean” chirp, enjoyed himself knocking it around and pulling the short stuff. Carey, on the other hand, was much more eager to get after it. The ball seemed to be coming on much slower than he expected, and he was unfortunately bowled by a fuller delivery. However, immediately afterward, Yap announced that we had made the runs via a boundary the over prior. Unlucky mate. But a great outright win for the Apaches!

All in all, a slightly mediocre but nevertheless highly eventful game, particularly given the opposition’s lack of numbers and spirit. But hey, that’s park cricket. The lads went to Churchill’s to celebrate, and I must say that my glass of Reschs was much more refreshing than usual. 

1I heard that he has a motorbike and leather jacket

Selected comments:
Will: You know we’re going to expect all future reports in this format and quality?
— Kal: i will only do it if there is intermission worthy content
— Will: You’re right. The most interesting part of cricket isn’t cricket
Rohit: Love it! Hired as the resident chirper and hallowed opening batter
Henry: I enjoyed reading that!
Declan: Definitely the longest and most descriptive match report I’ve ever read-pretty sure it’s the first time the word serendipitous has been utilised. A true Poet!
Evo: Shades of under milk wood boyo
– Kal: I don’t know what that is but thanks
— El Pres: ffs slap yourself! And you call yourself educated….
—Kal: I only read manga

vs Doncaster (6th grade)

Jan 15 & 22 at Booralee 3

6th Grade Match Summary- by Declan

Week 1: After winning the toss and batting we post 7/181 off our 50 Overs-John Wright top scores with 61,Will and Snacks offer valuable support with 48 and 45 respectively.

Week 2: Having claimed 3 wickets for 4th Grade in Week 1 over on Booralee 1, the great GG wanders over to open the bowling and claims the first 2 wickets.

Will having opened the bowling with G then starts to get amongst the wickets jagging the next 4.

Evo then dismisses their number 4 batsman and top scorer for 42 and was unlucky not to have a couple more wickets in a tidy spell of 9 Overs.

Dunc replaces Will for a couple of overs and despite stand-in Captain Wright’s encouragement at the Tea Break to continue, he selflessly insists on being dragged with the game on the line.

Doncaster’s lower order had rallied somewhat and 38 was required from 12 overs with 3 wickets in hand. Will took up where he left off taking the next 2 wickets to finish with the fine figures of 6 for 55 from a marathon 19 overs.

Skipper John, having kept himself in reserve, wrapped it up by trapping the last batsman plumb in front to secure a well earned victory by 23 runs. Shout out also to GG, Lox and Shippers who took sharp catches.

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén